The Power of the Crystals

Today reader Lindsey Campbell of Squid’s Crossing, AL, asks us a question about achieving mastery over her fellow women.

Q: Will [the crystals] give me the unfair advantage I need, over other women?

A: Absolutely. This is one of the very first things the 4th crystal gives you. The same goes for men and their unfair unadvantage over other men. Note that sexy anger does not involve working out, spitting mad game, or even dressing properly. It simply is a coordination of reverting to childhood, acting like a man, and saying fuck it. Very simple steps on their own; a bit tricky to coordinate.

Once you’ve achieved the fourth crystal, sexy anger is yours, and you are completely hidden behind the emotional sunglasses of confidence. However, to ensure full mastery over other people of your own gender – and sexual/philosophical conquests of either gender – there are a few additional steps you may take. Never forget that sexy anger must be the basis of each of these steps. If you stop feeling sexy or start feeling sympathetic towards your fellow man at any point, you’re doing something wrong.

1.) Take a power name. This is normally a step that comes with full awareness of the crystals, but you can start posing with one as soon as you’ve actualized the fourth. The Far Out Way has often been compared to various systems espoused by so-called “Pick Up Arists” (PUA). In particular, PUA urge you to take a new name to distance yourself from your shitty past. This name is often something entirely slick-yet-cringeworthy, such as Mystery, Force, Shadow, etc. In the Far Out Way, we encourage you to take a new name along the lines of Zoraxx the Thunderer, Barbara Beautymachine, or Alleged Satantic Infraction Preliminary Hearing. Names intended not to intrigue, but to intimidate. Names meant to dominate the bedroom and the boardroom.

2.) Walk around with one ridiculous accessory. This can be anything from a cane you don’t need to a ridiculous ascot to an alligator on a leash. You’d be surprised the comments you get. Simply walking around with a baseball with glitter on it, screaming, “This is the orb of power!!! This is the orb of power!!!” will work wonders for you.

3.) Start telling people where to stand/sit. This simple technique is a great “check in” in case you’re starting to stray from the 4th crystal. Telling someone where to be, spatially, reinforces that you are in charge, that you are wearing the additional pair of pants in this relationship. And hey – isn’t that what success is all about?

4.) Disappear for weeks at a time. People will respect your mystery, even if you’re just sitting in a basement somewhere eating cheetos.

In short: the crystals inherently place you in a position of dominance over your peers. And yet one must never lose sight of the confidence-destroying omniscience of the fifth crystal, as well. Dominance over others is but one step on the load road to achieving the unlimited mimosas inside.

I hope this answer has been useful, Lindsey.

Today reader Chris Herbeck from Wembley-on-Thames, UK, asks us a question about using the crystals as a source of fuel.

Q: Can [the crystals] power the turbo boosters on my new jet pack?

A: Well, first of all, if you’re getting around using a jet pack these days, you’ve probably already aligned the crystals, and therefore, I suspect you’re being a wiseass, because of course the crystals can power the turbo boosters… you know that. Don’t waste the internet’s time with this sort of drivel.

Everyone who attains Hawkman is automatically sent an experimental jetpack (there are other objects of power you are given when you align the crystals fully, but now is not the time to discuss them). It is generally delivered in person by either a man dressed as one of your iconic childhood heroes, such as Big Bird, Darkwing Duck, etc., although it is sometimes delivered by one of the major R&B divas of the last several decades (Mariah Carey, Beyoncé and so forth).

In case, however, you’re just an insanely rich person with enough money to purchase a jet pack who hasn’t yet aligned the crystals, I’d like to point out that you’re on the right path. Hobbying, especially insanely expensive hobbying, is an excellent application of the very first crystal. Remember: the world is not just. That is why you need as many faberge eggs, as many skeletons of the Elephant Man, as many jet packs as you can afford.

Once you’ve attained Hawkman, of course, crystal-energy will ooze off of you, just like sweat. In fact, you’ll be very sweaty already, from being on the anger diet. So fueling your jetpack will pose no difficulty at all.

Welcome to Crystal Questions, where we answer your specific questions about the Far Out Way and its many mysteries. If you have any questions you’d like answered, just email us.

Today’s question comes from David Guevara of Podunk, IL.

Q: Can I smoke the Crystals?

A: We get lots of glib cracks from crystal-deniers and other wiseacres about whether you can smoke the 7 Crystals of success, success, success in the same way as you can smoke crystal meth. However, the joke’s on them. Not only can you smoke the Cosmic Crystals in the same exact manner, you are encouraged to smoke them, daily. You can smoke the Crystals like you’d smoke meth, or you can smoke them in the manner that a casual cigarette smoker enjoys the occasional drag, or you can even smoke them as you would a delicious brisket.

Of course, smoking them is not your only option. You can eat or drink the crystals as well. But smoking is definitely the “coolest” way to go about things, and real practitioners of the Far Out Way do things the “cool” way all the time. Remember: if you’re wearing the sunglasses of destiny, the outside world cannot see your scared, constantly flitting eyeballs, and it makes it that much easier for you to Act Like A Man.

The important thing is to constantly need to smoke the crystals, to make you “feel better,” less so like a meth head, who is a sad and pitiable figure, but more so like your average cigarette smoker, who also has a disgusting problem, but who is much easier to relate to.

Q: Then can I buy an ounce of them?

A: No, you cannot ever buy any amount of the crystals, although you can apply for a Credit Line of Conscience, which makes many short-term loans possible. You must earn the crystals by always reacting.

Q: Are there any side effects to smoking the crystals I should be worried about?

A: There are numerous positive side effects, including both weight loss, success in your chosen career, and attractive linguistics majors in their mid-20s who keep their bodies in good shape but aren’t concerned with the shape of yours  flirting with you.

However, smoking too much of the crystals does anger Mukor, and he will visit his revenge on you in a number of unpleasant ways. For instance, smoking too much of the 1st crystal will lead to you becoming a wildly successful but misanthrophic novelist living alone in the woods until you finally go mad and attack your family with an axe; smoking too much of the sixth crystal can lead to the decision to move down to Northern Mexico and become a drug lord, enwrapped in the terrible internecine fighting  there, while admittedly driving a nice car.

So, while generally, one of anything is never enough in the far out way, in terms of smoking the crystals, you are encouraged to move slowly at first, which is easy to do if you’re saying “fuck it”.

Thanks, David, for your question! I hope our answers were informative.

Enjoy these photos of the Power of the Crystals onstage and off! To see a larger version of any given image, just click on it.

Don't be scared. We're here for you, sort of.

Are you still confused about what exactly the Far Out Way entails? Maybe you have some specific sexual/moral/wardrobe crisis questions you’d like Hawkmaster James Call to answer for you personally? Wait no longer.

Thursday, July 28th, at 36 Cooper Square, 4th Fl – the Village Voice building – we’ll be presenting a live Q&A session with James and other notable figures who have attained Hawkman, or who are actively looking to align the crystals. We’ll be taking your questions and answering to your petty demands.

And there will be all you can drink beer! For a meager $10! Why, in fact, there will be other forms of alcohol as well! And nutella! The nectar of the Gods!

So mark your calendars – Thursday July 28th from 7-10pm at the Village Voice building. WEAR SOMETHING FLATTERING. Or not. We’re here for you.

Now you breathe not because you need to, but because you feel like it; the breath of success, success, success. You can blast away with anger and charisma and turn this tragedy into the best kegger ever.

The dogs are out – the dogs of the mind – and they will come if you call them. But what they really want to do is to play fetch. So throw the ball for the dogs as hard as you can, and watch them run.

HABIT #7: Prepare the Cocktail: Principles of Hyperactive Neglect of the Mind. You are the Hero With 1,000 Rockin’ Faces. You are Hawkman, you are the Funky Dictator. You are the main sex wife and the main conversation wife. You pay the bills or you throw them in the shredder, depending on your mood. There is nothing that is unknown to you, yet you couldn’t give less of a shit. Whether you drench the world in an ocean of blood or just sleep on your best friend’s couch, you are success, success, success.

Step Twelve. “Having achieved success, success, success, we endeavored to brign this success to others, to make the Less attractive More attractive, and to make the More attractive go away.” – Who let the dogs out?

• a. Who invited the dogs in the first place?
• b. Who will invite the dogs back in?
• c. Getting the most out of the dogs.

Final, Hidden Step: Hawkgirl.

All that remains is to rise to the bait, and do the right thing.

The crystals near alignment, but you are not yet the funky dictator. We reach the penultimate lessons of the Far Out way here. They cannot be understood literally; focus, embrace, hyperventilate.

HABIT #6: Seek First to Speak, Then to Think About What You Just Said. Your proclamations come fast and furious now. The Far-Out way says that what we need is far-out: far out there, over there. Once it’s here, we don’t want it anymore. Therefore, you must BURN AWAY THE LIE, leading to the destruction of everything we know and hold dear. This is known as Rock & Roll.

Step Eleven. “Sought through Rock & Roll to Become One with the Power of the Crystals”

[VIDEO: In this segment from the Sept. 18, 2010 broadcast of "Tough Talks with Ted Tappert," Ted interviews James Call of the Missing Teens on the importance of having many wives and the various functions they might assume.]